How to Ask for What You Need

You may find it difficult to be around certain friends, coworkers, and family members after you’ve experienced such a huge loss. In an attempt to comfort you, many well-meaning people say or do things that have exactly the opposite effect. One way to address this dilemma is for you to be proactive in communicating your needs before those uncomfortable situations arise.

Learn how to proactively communicate your needs during a challenging time by reflecting, learning how to communicate with those who are trying to support you but are not being helpful, and creating a list of support for different types of scenarios.

Take a moment to think about times when your would-be comforters were insensitive in their attempts to help you. What do you wish they would have done differently?

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What do you wish the people in your life understood about what you’re going through?

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Here are some ways to communicate with people who are trying to support you but are not being helpful:

• If I am sad, please let me be sad. Don’t feel like you need to cheer me up – it’s important for me to feel the emotions I am feeling.
• I like being able to talk about happy moments with my loved one who died, not just the circumstances of their death.
• Please don’t make comments about “time healing all wounds” or how “this might be a blessing in disguise.” Instead, I’d rather hear you say that you love me or care for me.
• I may not be able to do everything I used to do in the past, but don’t hesitate to invite me to events anyway. Trying to make plans on my own can be stressful. But please do not stop inviting me if I turn it down.
• Please don’t make judgments about how long it’s taking me to grieve. Saying things like “It’s time to move on” isn’t helpful. I need to grieve within my own time.
• I could use some help cleaning/cooking/doing errands. Would you have some time to spend with me?

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Often, it's helpful to create a list of support systems (family, friends, professionals, support groups, journaling, etc.) for certain needs you have. One person or thing may not be the right support you need in all situations. Use the strengths of your support system to your advantage and to set expectations for yourself.

Fill out the list below:

Who in your life is most likely to...

1. Most likely to help me sort my loved one’s things.
2. Most likely to watch my children.
3. Most likely to have a day or weekend trip with me.
4. Best listener.
5. Best advice giver.
6. Most likely not to pass judgment.
7. Most understanding.
8. Most likely to help me organize my finances.
9. Most likely to let me sleep on their couch.
10. Most likely to quickly respond in an emergency.
11. Most rational.
12. Most likely to make me laugh.
13. Most likely to help me with jobs around the house or going to the store.
14. Most likely to carpool to and from my child’s school/other activities.
15. Most likely to talk with me about my loved one.
16. Most likely to volunteer with me or help a cause in my loved one’s honor.
17. Most likely to spend time with me on my loved one’s birthday.
18. Most likely to tell me the truth.
19. Most likely to notice I’m having a hard time.
20. Most likely to answer the phone at 1AM.
21. Most likely to spend the holidays with me or invite me to spend it with them.
22. Most likely to motivate me.
23. Most likely to exercise with me.
24. Most likely to do a art or creative project with me.
25. Most likely to still be supportive a year plus from now.

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