When grief hits, the world can feel both too quiet and unbearably loud. Friends and family often say “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” but when your mind is foggy, your body is exhausted, and your heart is breaking, even knowing what to ask for can feel impossible.
In her book It’s OK That You’re Not OK and the accompanying Companion Journal, grief expert Megan Devine reminds us that grief isn’t a problem to fix; it’s a natural human experience that needs support, presence, and community. One of the most helpful things others can offer is specific, tangible help. But many grieving people simply don’t have the bandwidth to name what would help most.
This guide offers a list of real-life things to ask for (or offer) when words fail:
Nourishment & Home Support
Grief is physical. It takes energy just to breathe, eat, and move. Practical care helps sustain life when your own energy is gone.
Things to ask for:
- A meal delivery (homemade or gift card for DoorDash or Grubhub)
- Someone to organize a meal train
- Light cleaning, dishes, or laundry help
- Grocery shopping or fridge restock
- Taking out trash or recycling
- Folding clothes, vacuuming, or tidying spaces where people gather
Daily Life & Errands
Simple tasks can feel monumental. Let others help carry the daily load.
Things to ask for:
- School pick-ups, drop-offs, or childcare breaks
- Dog walks, cat feeding, or pet-sitting
- Lawn or garden care, watering plants, or snow shoveling
- Driving you to appointments or support groups
- Running errands such as mail, pharmacy, or groceries
Administrative & Logistical Support
After a death or major loss, there’s often a mountain of paperwork and calls. This is a perfect area to delegate.
Things to ask for:
- Calling banks, utilities, or service providers
- Helping close or memorialize social media accounts
- Filling out forms or insurance paperwork
- Creating a folder of important documents
- Managing communication with others (a “point person” role)
- Writing or organizing thank-you notes
Emotional & Relational Support
Grief isn’t just about tasks; it’s about connection, even in silence.
Things to ask for:
- Regular text or phone check-ins (“Will you text me every Thursday just to say hi?”)
- Quiet company without pressure to talk
- Going for a walk, watching a movie, or listening to music together
- Invitations to gentle social moments, with no pressure if you say no
- Friends who respect your boundaries and timing
Memory & Belongings
Sorting through personal things can be deeply emotional. Ask for companions who understand the tenderness of the task.
Things to ask for:
- Help organizing, packing, or donating items
- Creating a memory box or photo album
- Setting up a small memorial or ritual of remembrance
- Writing or recording memories together
Longer-Term Support
Grief doesn’t end after the funeral or the first month. The best helpers remember and stay.
Things to ask for:
- Check-ins at one, three, six, and twelve months
- Remembering birthdays or anniversaries with a simple message
- Joining a grief support group with you
- Sharing stories about your loved one and saying their name out loud
How Helpers Can Phrase Offers
Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try:
- “I’m heading to the store. What can I bring you?”
- “Can I come walk the dog this week?”
- “Would you like company while you sort through things, or should I handle that for you?”
- “I’ll check in on Friday. No need to reply if you’re not up for it.”
As Megan Devine writes, “Grief is love in its most wild and painful form.” Real support doesn’t fix grief; it accompanies it. The most healing acts are often simple ones—a meal left on the porch, a text that says “thinking of you,” a friend who shows up again after everyone else has gone home. If you’re grieving, may this list remind you that it’s okay to ask for help and that grief deserves care that lasts beyond the first wave.
(Inspired by the teachings in Megan Devine’s It’s OK That You’re Not OK and its Companion Journal, and informed by the work of Francis Weller, David Kessler, Alan Wolfelt, and The Dougy Center.)
